"I do not believe sorrow is ever a part of God's will, He is there to strengthen and, if it does not interfere with his divine plan, He is there to heal: when sorrow strikes it is merely due to the frailty of the flesh."

thanks to my friend melissa for helping me get a grip on certain situations

i found a moth under a pile of papers on my desk...
not only was it a moth, it was dead.

if only i had gotten to the pile sooner, that poor moth would be with us today.

Now that I've joined the mom's club, I am learning what makes a housewife desperate. As pilgrim ramblings lead me on a journey in faith before the deluge, I find reflections of Christ in the memoirs of a minister's wife.

new year's retrospect-ions

in 2005, I...

learned to sew
reupholstered chairs
made it through the first year of motherhood (alive)
found God (again)

felt like a grown-up

felt like a child
realized showers are over-rated
realized showers please my friends
made some great friends
started talking to my mom again
quit smoking
lost ten pounds
gained ten pounds
lost fourteen pounds
gained 4 pounds
legally ended a controlling relationship
painted two households
discovered the true meaning of patience
discovered the true meaning of love
discovered the true meaning of "infant"
started reading more
started blogging
cooked more (real food)
memorized wal-mart neighborhood market's floorplan
made it through a semester w/o dropping classes
passed my classes
did my taxes alone
sang songs of worship in front of other people
got a rent "nest" of my own
ran to catch the cable guy
captured the beauty of the sunrise and sunset
was reacquainted with my childhood best friend
learned to do payroll and invoices
was the secretary of phi beta lambda
resigned phi beta lambda
quit my job doing payroll and invoices
felt guilty a lot
didn't cry as much as i did in the years before
joined a book study
started writing again
watched way too much HGTV
memorized HGTV
found that my favorite toy is an old piece of furniture
took thousands of pictures
started scrapbooking
found some great role models
learned that i really like babies
realized i am not destined to be a terrible mother just because i had one
forgave my mom
still take a 13 years old's tone with my mom
realized how blessed i am
realized that blessings and luck aren't the same
strengthened my faith in God's plan
questioned my faith in God's plan
redefined faith, grace, mercy, and forgiveness
sewed a lot of curtains
bought weightloss supplements and equiptment that i have yet to use
found the greatest church
made a cake with Rich Mullin's face on top
confused all my old friends
shocked all my new friends
made a house a home

everyone lock your doors and bag your children! that's right, the epidemic of the season is among us. i wish i could be describing some sort of epidemic other than the puking kind. starting friday with my son, a nasty little virus has got a hold of all my close friends. my birthday festivities included toilet hugging until 3 am with my little buddy curiously beside me. i was lucky enough to catch his hand before curiousity got the best of us. since that fateful night, daniel has caught the bug. along with us, my friend julie, my mother, daniel's aunt and uncle, elijah's schoolteacher and her husband, and my father have all experienced what i have deemed "the virus of death." i sincerely hope that you all have escaped unscathed, but i hear this is city-wide and not just people i know. so try to keep your kids from breathing in public places and we should all make it through this alive. happy new year ;)

to adhere to my new year's rest-olution to diminish possible sources of stress for me and my son, i am going a little "under-cover," thanks to google's ability to allow users to search for my name and city and come straight to my blog. i will also be taking down the pictures of my son, after all, everyone should know by now how adorable he is ;) .

i can be the "artist formerly known as whatever she was formerly known as."

new year's rest-olution

my new year's rest-olution is to quit forcing myself to over-achieve. though it may not appear all that involved to the onlooker, my days have been jam-packed with anything and everything i can possibly fit into 19 hours. however, i am fortunate enough to begin the process of dropping stress like flies. i have divorced my demanding partner of 3 years, Carrabba's; i have "left the nest," with a fledgling of my own; and soon i will be rid of the several times totaled toyota that refuses to just die already. after pushing myself through sewing many, many curtains; hanging light fixtures; assembling stubborn furniture; recovering chairs and benches, and painting every vertical surface in this house; i plan on sitting down and taking a breath (after folding the laundry, of course).

and that ought to be next year, if everything goes well. so now i am faced with the lesson of patience, perseverance, and leaving well enough - alone. supermom and literaturelover continue to be motivators for me: how do they do it?! i love how they look at me with the "how do you do it" look, when i am looking to them for answers!

so the new year will roll in while i am looking the other way (or choosing another paint color) and the dust will settle. i long for the light at the end of this tunnel, and it is oh so close! while others choose resolutions that involve taking up new hobbies and eating right (ha), i choose to not choose anything. i won't lose any weight, i won't improve my attitude, and i won't start using any of the late-nite info-mercial exercise equipment i purchased. i will, however, not sign up for any new clubs, or accept any part-time jobs, or take more than 15 credit hours at school a week. sound lazy? well that's my intention, and i can't wait!

lucky him

As little baby sleeps away,
I slave away on an essay.

breaking the silence

alright friends, i desperately need some opinions on a fairly touchy subject. this a subject for an english essay, but i am having a hard time finding my solid ground. the subject is:

reprogenetics: choosing between boy/girl, eliminating the tendency for obesity or alcoholism, athletic ability, even left-handedness. Before you say "no way," consider the ability to alter our bodies to reject HIV.

xenotransplantation: we are breeding pigs, but not for pork! scientists remove single-cell embryos from a pregnant pig, inject a human gene into each cell, and then put them back inside a foster momma. remember we're talking about pigs here. the purpose for this is organ-harvesting. currently there is no way to get an organ for everyone who needs one. pigs could be the solution.

there are just so many more aspects to this contained in the reading that we've been assigned, my head is just spinning! some of the ideas are just absurd, but to who? everyone? just me? below is a copy of an email i sent to a classmate with similar beliefs, i'd love to hear your answers to these questions! (That means you kyle, todd, daniel, chad, angela, and janine!)

i think we are both on the same page of 'some of this is ok, but some is not.' here's an idea i came to/up with: legalize it and let each man decide for himself what is ok and what is not. how is this different from legalizing alcohol, riddellin, abortion, birth control, gambling, eating meat, or using chemicals for medicine instead of only natural ingredients? i don't think it is. at first i thought that it is not ok, that god should decide how a child is born, that only he should know a persons fate.. but this could provoke the non-believer to ask "so god wants me to have aids?" how is controlling HIV different from a flu-shot or chicken pox vaccine? surely there was a time when people were disgusted by the idea of transplanting organs from human to human, its still creepy! we breed animals to eat them, should we breed to use their organs? i dont agree with choosing the sex, weight, and eye color of a child, but those who do will answer to god. has he blessed us with the ability to reach these scientific breakthroughs, or is this another "apple?"

community fights crime over beers

who would've thought?

new post at yahoo360

too sinful

now that i am here

heavenly light
find me
blind my heart
to these short-comings
that come so close

i want to be your light
mirroring the fabulous colors
that cause others to
stand in awe,
convinced of you

giving into darkness,
my kin,
a strong hand pulls me back
assuring that i am not
forgotten
there is no deadline
for this perfection,
only the common search

how does one find what is not identified?
are you what i want?
is this the course, divine?

i long to please you,
to love you as deeply
as i desire to be loved:
with complete trust and satisfaction

in your image i am
a beautiful creation
convicted by the first fall,
i am now a mess of sinful nature
desiring most to be reunited
with a love once known
while limited by my
physical capabilities

may i lean on your shoulder;
growing ever closer and dependent?
this world stresses the
strength of independence
but away from you i feel nothing
no strength     no beauty         no love

keep me close, dear lord,
for i love your presence
and result in my heart
affect me lord, daily
lighting the way to your home
by you i am sure to find

The Road

I have just
caught a glimpse
of what my life
is to become
for a second I could see
around the curve
and wondered where you were
your bright face
no longer
beside the road
your hands
no longer lending
themselves to familiarity

I saw Love
in the rear view mirror
with its red skirt
about its knees
trying
to catch up
and before the curve
swallowed itself again
I remember
thinking
There is all this love
but nowhere for it to grow
each second continually
devours the next
and we're moving too fast
for it to fasten
its roots
to the wind

-Jewel Kilcher,
A Night Without Armor




There are some things you wish could be shared with everyone. "A Night Without Armor" is one of them.    

Sew what?

I have always thought that the fullness of womanhood would be experienced once I had been through pregnancy and the birth of a child. Surely, my most natural function would be performed and I would revel in the bliss of being wholly feminine.
Man, was I ever wrong.
I bought a $30.00 sewing machine today: "as seen on TV" and "pre-threaded, ready to sew!" Just as a man who cannot fix a toilet must feel, I was completely out of my element. I can paint the entire interior of my home, wire my computer, assemble furniture and children's toys, and grill a great steak. But ask me to hem a pair of pants and you will be pointed to the nearest tailor.
Today I faced my fears, and struggling with a needle and thread for an hour and a half, attempted to sew. Somehow I felt that I should already know how to use a sewing machine; I had been absent when that specific gene was up for distribution. Finally, I produced some sort of little pocket thing. Perfect if your cell phone gets chilly...
One day, I will hem pants and make curtains and slipcovers. I will mend, hem, cover, and create. After all, if I can effectively grow and deliver a 7 lb person, I can do anything. Right?

get ready!

A can of worms has opened! My photo button has been pushed and I'm snap-happy! Great timing with fall. It's nice to have met people that appreciate a good photo. "Yeah, I know its a tree; but, look how great it is!" I promise I will try to restrain myself, and try to not exhaust the photo-show. With the way I take pictures, about 5 of 50 actually turn out to be something worth someone's while.

kyle's daughter creates abstract art

revolution story

Some great blogging in my opinion.
His last post is in June though.

zenith in me

Being a woman is not easy, no secret there. Countless pressures from society do nothing to relieve the countless pressures we put upon ourselves. I have been given a new perspective on creation lately, and being created in God's image. Since we are created in His image, and since He is a creator, humans have a natural inclination to create. But what else are we driven towards and by? What about women?
I am reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge in which the authors unveil the mystery of a woman's soul. Woah, someone knows how to do that? Logically, they begin with the dawn of time. God goes nuts: light, land, trees, buffalo, eagles, scorpions, tulips, crickets, horses, dolphins...and then a man. Stars sing and angels shout - what a great show! Yet, something is missing, not good; God is not finished. So He puts Adam back to rest, takes a rib, and makes a woman. The author calls Eve the "crown of creation," instructing the reader to go to the nearest window, look out across the earth, and declare that the world is incomplete without her. "Creation has reached a zenith in me" is not an easy concept to grasp.
Shedding light, Eldredge convincingly describes God's feminine tendencies by example of women:
Women are relational, possessing a vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships.
God's greatest desire is to be in relationship with us.
Women long to be sought after, desired.
He longs to be desired, pursued.
We are inviting, tender, merciful (sometimes:only human), fierce, and fiercely devoted.
Sound familiar?

"It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]" (Gen. 2:18 Alter).
Ezer kenegdo, my new favorite phrase.
Roughly, "help meet," "companion," or "helper." I found it interesting that the only other times "ezer" is used in the Old Testament is in reference to God, needing His help in a life-or-death situation.
Eldredge writes, "God is essential. He wants us to need him - desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, [and] a vision to make the world a better place."
"That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure - that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this."

Well, that clears it up pretty well for me! It is comforting to know that these needy, lovey-dovey, sometimes jealous feelings are a part of my disposition; traits acquired not from women I have known, but from God Himself. I am created in His image, and that is why I am how and who I am.

talking heads - the good thing

I will fight; will fight with my heart.
I will fight; will fight with understanding.
In my mind, the weather never changes,
Skill overcomes difficult situations.
A straight line
exists between me and the good
things.
I have found the line and it’s direction is
known to me.
Absolute trust keeps me going in
the right direction.
Any intrusion is met with a heart full of the good thing.
Try to compare what I am presenting.
You will meet with much frustration.
Try to find ... similar situation.
You will always find the same solution.
As the heart finds the good thing, the feeling is multiplied.
Add the will to the strength and it equals
conviction.
As we economise, efficiency is multiplied,
To the extent I am determined the result is the
good thing.
So I say: I have adopted this and made it my own:
Cut back the weakness, reinforce what is strong.

holy moly!

Here are a few more - you guessed it - sunrise/sunset pictures. These were shot a few days ago around 7:00 am-ish. I forgot to bring them to the coffee shop. Too beautiful to resist! Category: things that make you say "holy moly! God is good!"

someone will have something to say

"The best way to fight the Christian right...is to stress the theocratic nature of their politics, which clash directly with the democratic principles of individual rights and freedom of speech." - Henry Gonshak, Montana Tech College

I'm interested in rebuttals/opinions...

Survival!

My son and I survived our first attempt at birthday-party-ing! Although the party flew by quickly for me, I have tons of pictures to remember it by. [picture was awesome, but has been removed]

Only/Already 365 Days

My first year with my son is coming to an end in a matter of days. I have been enveloped in the buzz of party planning; so, the little pain each first time mom gets has not hit me until tonight. He is so long now, I think that's what gets me most. And he will only keep getting longer. The past 362 days have been the most incredible ones of my life. Everything from figuring out how to change a diaper to figuring out how to bond with something that can't even see. Initially, I was terrified at the thought of raising a boy on my own, but luckily my dad has helped a lot: mainly moral and financial support. I was completely unprepared for parenthood, but never have I practiced such self-discipline, patience, and selflessness. God has taught me to be ready and prepared personally for anything; He has given me the strength to do so. After typing that sentence, I know that I will be able to handle toddlerhood well. I wasn't so sure 30 minutes ago. I wonder about our little future together, wonder if it will always just be the two of us. Sometimes I wonder if having a child and being single shuts the relationship door, but I don't think it's true. I know whatever happens is predetermined and best providing I follow God's will for my life. I just pray I am able to carry it out. After Sunday, things will be the same though a whole new world begins. Elijah won't be a baby anymore, he really is a kid...I really have a kid! I wouldn't change it for the world. Everything I had to go through to get to this point was worth it and I would do it again. Thanks for making me who I am, I love ya kid. Happy first Birthday. Love, Mommy.

See what I mean

Since I have not yet figured out how to add links to my page (I tried, Kyle!), here is the link to my fotopage; so, check out a few more pictures that were begging to be captured today on my drive home.

If you would just look up.

Reading is something that I love but rarely have time to do. There is down-time when my son is quietly playing on the floor by himself; but, if and when I pick up a book he would instantaneously be at my knees crying for my attention! Because of this, when I visit my weekly "book club" to discuss the chapter - I usually haven't read it. Our conversations are always on the subject of the chapter, so it's easy to put my two cents in. Next week the subject is Creation and how God's splendor reveals itself daily in natural things we often take for granted. I will be the facilitator - so now I really have to read the chapter! This is an important one for me though.

I have always been captivated with nature, the sunrise and sunset specifically. The neon orange and hot pink streaks backing a black silhouette of a naked tree simply takes my breath away. No, I'm not some hippie - I shower and get my hair done. Don't get me wrong, I love hippies... Anyways, the shades of purple, blue, orange, yellow, and pink perfectly drawn into the sky could only be the work of one hand, God's. I sure don't know how else it could've gotten that way. Even the scientist's argument of gases and reflecting light, good for them, but who made those gases and reflecting lights paint such a beautiful picture? The kind that would make any artist's stomach turn in knots? What about when the sun shines down through the clouds in the straight beams that convince children that angels are real - don't get me started! These results are no accident. Creation is the first-born of God, perhaps there is something we can learn from its longevity. Through all of its mood swings and temper tantrums, the sky and earth remain subject to God's rule. No matter what man muddles it up with, daily it should remind us of the everlasting promise that a heavenly kingdom exists. The best part? We get to go!

"[A] sacrament is a visible sign of an invisible grace...I hope you see the faithfulness of God in everything He has made." 

Rejoining popular culture

It has been at least 7 years since I've had an online conversation, a "list" of friends to check the online status of, or any interest in little avatars to reflect my personal style to my established community of online friends (people I have never met). All of my college classes now are obsessed with the internet. Quizzes, handouts, announcements...everything is online. Now tell me again why I come to class? Its nice for the most part - I just really hate taking algebra quizzes online. My instructor and I are in a little of a tift now because of this new computer generated quiz experiment that I've been involuntarily a part of. My English teacher is available to chat on msn messenger. Its nice...helps to develop a closer relationship which leads me to believe in a chance of slack grading. I thanked her for helping me rejoin popular culture. I remember when I would sit in front of my computer for hours on end, chatting with whoever and waiting for my "crushes" to get online. I really made some close friends. In retrospect I don't know how I ever got to that place - popular online? Weird. I don't expect anyone to come across this blog (that's what they call it right?) but its here... And now I know what a blog is. I also know what a doodlebop, a higgleyball, and a diaper rash are all about. Thanks son. I remember how the computer was my social life when I was about 13. I still have no social life except for my friends at church - but I've been left behind in the blog phenomenon now that I've joined the mom's club.