a blog of her own

goodbye first blog. i wonder if my great great grandfather would have wanted his great great granddaughter to one day have a blog of her own?

so now that i'ved join the mom club, i feel i have started (get ready for new blog link) to lack a little rock n roll.

Down on Main Street

Something about standing in a pool of water, watching your flushing of the toilet cause the bathtub to regurigate, can make a woman mad. After a desperate dash from Tulsa to our new cute little nice city with our shmanshy house, my socks are wet. The home is great, beautiful and charming. But I'd like to shower and I'd like not to take anyone to poo at the Mcdonalds play place down the street! Anyways, our very non-panicked landlord says "I guess it will be awhile then." I want to invite him next time I rush down to the golden arches. I am crossing my fingers that the plumbers will stop the water and its strange contents from soaking into my boxes in the garage anymore than they have.

On another side, I have the task of decorating a rent house with the stuff I already have, no accomodations. No, the colors and theme I had in my last bedroom do NOT mesh well with the murky oak colored molding. Didn't think of that, my bad. But as some sort of project I will post before, during, and after photos of the various challenging rooms in this home. Extremely challenging, lots of great floral wallpaper and bad faux finishes! Who knows, maybe you'll get a good idea or you can give me ideas. Decorating is all I really want to do anyways, just not for a career. Not that I think I could pull that off or anything. But how does a college student/mommy/step-mommy on a very limited budget make a house feel like a home? I'm working on it!

See, this is why I don't like blogging, I just go and go and go and go and....

Ok, I swear..

July, that's ridiculous! I knew I had let my posting go astray, but July? Come on!

Anyways, soon I will be further away than I am now so I am going to get back in touch with this blogging thing. Here's a few updates.

I have been nominated by my college for the All USA Academic Team which includes instant membership to the All Oklahoma Academic Team. Fancy, huh?

We are moving to another city.

I built my first snow-thing. It is supposed to be a pumpkin. It would have been an elmo if I had known how to actually build a snowman!

Next semester I get to spend more time with my son, taking only online classes.

Instead of OSU, I will be a UCO student.

I hope everyone is staying cozy and safe, I have been house-bound for days. This doesn't suit me well as I like to go-go-go!

This man on TV is wearing a green headband - what?

Queen of Hearts

It amazes me how hard it is for me to sit down and type a paragraph or two about what's going on in my life. I've fallen out of the "frequented blogs" group due to my extended absence. The summer semester is finished and I think I managed an A in both of my classes. Speech was a ton of fun as I was able to practice preparing and presenting a speech. The instructor I had is one I am very fond of and always makes class entertaining. I also got several chances to be the "meeting leader" in which I get to be bossy and run the show - one of my favorite things. I was born to delegate. I even love that word.

Some great news! Zach has landed a great management position and will be leaving for Colorado on the 7th for 8 weeks! I know it seems I should be a little sad he is leaving, and yes, I will miss him, but we are both excited to have a little breathing room as we have been in a precarious financial situation lately. I will only have two weeks to myself before school starts, but I am sure I will take full advantage of the free time! Hooray! Forgive me, but sometimes a 22-year-old with up to 3 kids at any given time craaavvess a little freedom.

On another note, I was the honored recipient of my first "You're not my mom," and "I HAATTEE YOUUUUUU!" Very rewarding, if I do say so myself. I kept my cool as there was several hours in between gifts. I explained to the younger, after several hours in her bedroom screaming and kicking (not because she said this stuff but for a general talking back attitude issue) that I am very well aware that I am not her mother because I would remember squeezing her out, but while she is in my home I assume the role of mother. I will be treated as just that. I explained she is in a two-parent household and I happen to be one of them. I told her I loved her very much but there are rules that must be followed. I told her that when she is not here I am very much the mommy, and it stays the same when she comes to stay.

I expect honesty.
I expect an answer when I ask a question.
I expect pride and confidence in her demeanor.
I expect respect.
I love her too much to allow her to become a mean girl.
It will not be tolerated.

She's 8, by the way. I don't think this is too young to begin some attitude control.

Am I being too tough? This step-parent thing is a horrible predicament that is impossible to understand unless you have been there. I must love her as my own, but should I discipline her as if she is my own? I say - hell yes. It's still my roof, I explained that this house is like my dolly. I want it to be taken care of because I love it very much.

I hate feeling like I am the "parent-in-training" when it comes to the girls. Zach does a wonderful job supporting my decisions in front of them, but behind closed doors there may be some questions if I am in the right or wrong. I hate being wrong. I also feel I've put in my time as a young child and it's MY turn to say "no....because I said so." Power trip? Maybe. Keeping control over my household. Yes. I will not become the underdog in the training camp of life.

Why do I get along so well with one and not the other. Why does one contstantly hug and kiss me and tell me she loves me and the other just rolls her eyes or cries, saying I am lying about what she has said or done.

WWWHHHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I just want to destroy things. Loudly. My childhood anger has been rearing its ugly head lately. But I don't want to be that crazy lady whom you must stay away from unless you want 3rd degree burns from the explosion. "Just nobody talk to me for a few minutes."

Lord Help me hold my tongue and not hate, yes HATE, this battle. We always make up and have the same conversation but days later I still get 'tude. But I will stand firm and will not back down. Someone must be the rock in this female dominant home. ME ME ME I AM THE QUEEN. BOW DOWN DAMNIT. That's what my insides scream but my mouth says, "It's OK, just remember what we've talked about.

Any advice. Please.


Better yet, I had my first country dancing outing in OKC last weekend. We went for Zach's nephew's birthday. His sister took me to get a new outfit to wear out the Grahm's Country Dance Hall or something like that. 10 shots of tequila later, I was a two-stepping fool. I was not born with the dancing gene but with the help of Jose and some other gentlemen whom I barely remember, I danced my heart out. I even tried line dancing with Zach's sister. How the heck does everyone know what to do at the same time?? I am sure I looked ridiculous, but that didn't stop 3 or 4 men from asking me to dance. What a blast! One, Two, Step. One, Two, Step. JesPrincess - it's on. I can't wait to get back out on that hardwood floor.

weight for it

I hate checking my bank balance. I hate standing on a scale to check my weight. I get a horrible, twisting feeling deep in the pit of my gut. I don't even want to know. I wait and wait because I can imagine how horrible the result will be yet I know I have to do the responsible thing. So I check both and of course all of my worst nightmares come true. Ouch. Why does my bank balance drop the longer I wait and my weight rise the longer I wait? If I had one wish, these roles would be reversed. Aahh, how sweet an idea.

what it is

I don't even know the date of my last post. Now, I've sat down many times, logged into the blogger dashboard, and even started to type something. But it always seems so inward driven, either complaining about some situation or subtly bragging about how amazingly good-looking and intelligent my son is. I feel guilty when I use the word "I" in other blogger's comment section so I rarely comment. I do want you all to know that I do read your blog entries religiously; however, I suppose I could be doing other stuff religously, like living.

The initial avalanche of emotion and drive from my recent return to faith has subsided. I was so thrilled that I couldn't fathom feeling the way I do now, you know, the "Sundays" sort of life. I don't walk into Walgreens with God or love on my mind like a I did a few months ago. I walk in with an hot, irritated attitude and child while racking my brain to remember what I'm sure I've forgotten. Razors? No, baby Tylenol. No, hairspray...wait. What day is this? What? It's Friday? You mean I missed the trash yesterday? What is the freakin' hold up here? Have a good day? Yeah, I wish.

Am I kidding? I am needless.

Except when it comes to the beautiful, soulful feeling of really having God with me. He is in the background now, a firm moral line that reveals itself when I am reaching the edge. He has me by the proverbial shirt collar, but keep in mind his arm has to be like 1,000 feet long! He is not in my passenger seat and definately not in my driver's seat. I am, I don't have time, I have errands to run, laundry to dry, floors to sweep. I can't afford to just sit in the passenger's seat as God drives 25mph in 45mph zone. C'mmmonnn!!! Aren't we THERE YET!?!?

Rivendell, Kyle, your creativity and love keep me from just forgetting any of this God stuff ever happened. It was so easy to attend every event with you all when it was just me and Elijah. Just hop in the car whenever I chose and off we went. Not so much now. There is another human's needs to consider. It's not all about me and growing myself anymore. Perhaps this is one of those internships wherein God has placed me on the job to see how I utilize what I have learned since I first walked into Rivendell. I hold my ground steadfast at first and then one compromise leads to another. What I watch on TV, what I listen to on the stereo, the words in my vocabulary. OHHhh, there's that old Heather, the one everyone either can't fathom where I've been or where I've come. There you are, where'd she go? Who was I fooling? Them? Me? You? Regardless, I know I don't want to become so comfortable that I forget to keep God in the forefront of my mind. I know I don't want to be so uncomfortable that I run off to the nearest nunnery. Is that how you spell it, where would I find one anyways? Daniel was talking about visiting a monestary somewhere in the midwest. Talk about some kahonas. Leave my freedom to focus on everything right and wrong in my life? I don't pray every night like I used to, but at least every other night. It's like well, sin really, one tiny compromise leads to a larger and larger compromise. You miss one night and it's so much easier to miss the next night.

God, keep me focused on the days ahead of me rather than just the day. Help me to remember you all day long. Help me to remain faithful in this place I had no intentions of visiting. Help me to see and accomplish the work that is surely here to do. It's not about me anymore, but these are the tools I need to really keep this ship afloat. I am a born leader, delagater, ship-floater, but help me to remain mindful of my Lord who is actually responsible for the tittilating task at hand. I love challenges; I can't remember in which year the declaration was signed, 1774? 76? But I can solve any problem fairly easily. I have the tendency to sacrifice myself for the good of others even if it runs me dry. So if my under-eye circles are a little darker and my waist a little girthier, don't feel pity for me because I am doing what I love. Feeling responsible, feeling needed, feeling important. Thank you for being an ever-loving and ever-longing God. Please give me the strength to be me.

There's a apost for ya - that ought to catch me up :)

Also, the girls are here for a week and they will be here off and on all summer. Yes, while I'm in school 14 hours a week. Thanks to all of you for being so kind and accepting them immediately. They are something special. See you all soon, don't hate me if I don't show up to every activity. I love you all :)

G'pa

I am from roller-blades, from new Crayola's and Sonic slushies.
I am from the small, green neighborhood behind the church where I smoked my first cigarette.
I am from the cold pansies in the rail-road tie planter by the door, the field behind Suzanne's house.
I am from Christmas at Grandpa's and perseverance, from Arthur and Evelyn and Trudy the Beagle.
I am from the reserved and loving.

From "How will anyone think of you as on top of the world if you don't think you are?" and "Why would you do this to yourself?"
I am from Presbyterian hymns. From questioning my faith and coming up with the wrong answer.
I'm from Green country, Scotland, Norway. Lefsa and chicken nuggets.

From the back office in my Grandpa's home, he would patiently play "Wheel of Fortune," on MS-DOS. He would laugh as I stood next to the computer when the monitor read "Please Stand By," the giant watermelon, red tomatoes, and the games of monopoly after dinner with Grandma.
I am from boxes under beds, metal frames on shelves, warm hearts, and orange ladles. I am from my Grandpa's patio and I want more than anything to see him again. To be five on his patio again. Sometimes I don't know if I want to go to Heaven to meet Jesus or just see my Grandpa again. I still love you.