what it is

I don't even know the date of my last post. Now, I've sat down many times, logged into the blogger dashboard, and even started to type something. But it always seems so inward driven, either complaining about some situation or subtly bragging about how amazingly good-looking and intelligent my son is. I feel guilty when I use the word "I" in other blogger's comment section so I rarely comment. I do want you all to know that I do read your blog entries religiously; however, I suppose I could be doing other stuff religously, like living.

The initial avalanche of emotion and drive from my recent return to faith has subsided. I was so thrilled that I couldn't fathom feeling the way I do now, you know, the "Sundays" sort of life. I don't walk into Walgreens with God or love on my mind like a I did a few months ago. I walk in with an hot, irritated attitude and child while racking my brain to remember what I'm sure I've forgotten. Razors? No, baby Tylenol. No, hairspray...wait. What day is this? What? It's Friday? You mean I missed the trash yesterday? What is the freakin' hold up here? Have a good day? Yeah, I wish.

Am I kidding? I am needless.

Except when it comes to the beautiful, soulful feeling of really having God with me. He is in the background now, a firm moral line that reveals itself when I am reaching the edge. He has me by the proverbial shirt collar, but keep in mind his arm has to be like 1,000 feet long! He is not in my passenger seat and definately not in my driver's seat. I am, I don't have time, I have errands to run, laundry to dry, floors to sweep. I can't afford to just sit in the passenger's seat as God drives 25mph in 45mph zone. C'mmmonnn!!! Aren't we THERE YET!?!?

Rivendell, Kyle, your creativity and love keep me from just forgetting any of this God stuff ever happened. It was so easy to attend every event with you all when it was just me and Elijah. Just hop in the car whenever I chose and off we went. Not so much now. There is another human's needs to consider. It's not all about me and growing myself anymore. Perhaps this is one of those internships wherein God has placed me on the job to see how I utilize what I have learned since I first walked into Rivendell. I hold my ground steadfast at first and then one compromise leads to another. What I watch on TV, what I listen to on the stereo, the words in my vocabulary. OHHhh, there's that old Heather, the one everyone either can't fathom where I've been or where I've come. There you are, where'd she go? Who was I fooling? Them? Me? You? Regardless, I know I don't want to become so comfortable that I forget to keep God in the forefront of my mind. I know I don't want to be so uncomfortable that I run off to the nearest nunnery. Is that how you spell it, where would I find one anyways? Daniel was talking about visiting a monestary somewhere in the midwest. Talk about some kahonas. Leave my freedom to focus on everything right and wrong in my life? I don't pray every night like I used to, but at least every other night. It's like well, sin really, one tiny compromise leads to a larger and larger compromise. You miss one night and it's so much easier to miss the next night.

God, keep me focused on the days ahead of me rather than just the day. Help me to remember you all day long. Help me to remain faithful in this place I had no intentions of visiting. Help me to see and accomplish the work that is surely here to do. It's not about me anymore, but these are the tools I need to really keep this ship afloat. I am a born leader, delagater, ship-floater, but help me to remain mindful of my Lord who is actually responsible for the tittilating task at hand. I love challenges; I can't remember in which year the declaration was signed, 1774? 76? But I can solve any problem fairly easily. I have the tendency to sacrifice myself for the good of others even if it runs me dry. So if my under-eye circles are a little darker and my waist a little girthier, don't feel pity for me because I am doing what I love. Feeling responsible, feeling needed, feeling important. Thank you for being an ever-loving and ever-longing God. Please give me the strength to be me.

There's a apost for ya - that ought to catch me up :)

Also, the girls are here for a week and they will be here off and on all summer. Yes, while I'm in school 14 hours a week. Thanks to all of you for being so kind and accepting them immediately. They are something special. See you all soon, don't hate me if I don't show up to every activity. I love you all :)