Today I am thankful for recursive relationships. Two steps forward and one step back, but at least we are always taking steps. It's not easy rebuilding a relationship that at one time was so volatile, but the lessons we are learning are priceless. Compromise, forgiveness, understanding, relating, giving, doing. "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said that it would be so hard." I'm terrified of marriage, I think, which is not what I grew up believing. Thanks Cinderella. Married couples get a look of "well, yeah, sometimes it sucks, but you know, whatever," when asked about how marriage is or when I voice my fears. Singles get the "geez I don't know either" look when asked how we are supposed to feel. Would a ring relieve my anxiety or increase it? I've heard over and over how a woman changes once married and most of what I've heard has been from the mouth of a man. Men. That's why I'm terrified. Movies, songs, everything feeds my fear. "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Come on, that makes me want to puke. I know a man's sexual nature, I know men think and live in the moment. I'm not afraid of being cheated on, it's the thoughts and desires of men that terrify me. OK, how many times have I used the word "terrified?" Not "scared, nervous, anxious, worried," but "terrified?" I have heard that only God can fill the void that a man cannot. I need to remember that we are only human and cannot satisfy a person completely. I want so badly to satisfy Zach completely, but can that ever be attained? Would happily married men say they are satisfied completely by their wives'? "Wife," why does that hold such negative connotation in my mind? Is it my parents' failed marriage? I really think it is the media and my experience and the term "ball and chain." I want to lift up, not bring down. How do I strengthen my own personality to do so? How do I do it for a person who isn't ready to come back to God? Who may never? Will a marriage work this way? I believe it will, I also believe it will be more difficult to keep my mind focused on God. Lord, please give me the same strength I needed with my friends in displaying my faith. Without exercise, I become spiritually unhealthy and underdeveloped.
One thing we are good at is "getting over it." We are both leaders, which provides for some nice little battles of will. "I'm stronger, no I'm stronger" is what we might as well be saying. It's not easy for him to get past our past but our forgiveness towards each other is unmatched. Our emotions run rampant, good thing we have a big home. Help me be the rock, Lord, which keeps our family spiritually grounded. My son needs an example and I need to be it. I love Zach so unconditionally that sometimes it really blows! His mom even told him she thinks I am the only girl that has ever loved him unconditionally, even his family. She tends to have a sixth sense about everything. Is loving unconditionally an act of God or an act of stupidity? This is the essential question. I love my family, I love that I have a family. Daddy, Mommy, Baby, cath, and a fish. (yes only one fish, R.I.P. Clive.) I love my home with tall ceilings and a white picket fence (life is complete now that I have the white picket fence, right?). I love that I have beautiful pink roses three feet from my kitchen window, and I LOVE that there is a sprinkler system here and I don't pay the water bill. The grass is SO green here on my side of the street.
OK, time for laundry.
Lord, help me get my head out of my rear.
9 comments:
Man, girl, you've asked alot of really honest, tough questions. I don't have answers in the sense of "here's what to do" but I can speak honestly to some of what you've raised. I hope some of what I say gives peace and encouragement, some of it may be nothing new and of no help, and some of it you may disagree with. Just know that whatever you think of what I say is OK, and I still have so much respect and admiration for you.
Let me start by saying that I love being married, love it. We are human, we disagree, I let her down, I say stupid things, but I never think being married sucks. I think sometimes relationships are hard, and they take work, but that is ALL relationships. The relationship between husband and wife is just alot more intense and personal than other relationships, and the good and the not so good happen at a much more powerful level.
There are some specific things God tells us to do in relating to and loving each other. Forgiving, patience, kindness, trusting, not being easily angered to name a few. We are also told to submit to one another. Yep, in Ephesians 5:21, right before the part about wives submitting to their husbands that gets "all the press", that entire passage begins by telling us to submit to one another, then it proceeds to tell the wives how to submit and the husbands how to as well. They look different, but that mutual submission is the context statement. (In my opinion, that is. There are those in our church, Kyle and Steve, who are much better theologically than me, and I would encourage you to take the time to share with them). What I hope you notice, is that of all things God tells us about loving and relating to each other, satisfying is not one of them. Satisfying speaks to an entirely different arena, one that belongs to God alone. You cannot satisfy Zach completely, you're not supposed to. Any husband who says his wife satisfies him completely has done a dangerous thing, given God's role to his wife. Wives, and husbands for that matter, make great friends, lovers, parents, soul mates, etc., but they make terrible gods! If marriage and satisfaction go hand in hand for you, I can imagine why you're terrifed, and, honestly, you should be.
Some people would say that in 2 Corinthians 6, specifically verses 14-16 would say that we shouldn't be married to people who aren't believers. I don't know if that's what this passage is about, it's certainly not that straightforward to me, probably another good question for Kyle or Steve. Here's what I think I would say to you. Read the passage from Ephesians 5:21-33, in "The Message" version. If you don't have it, go to www.biblegateway.com and type in the passage and select "The Message" from the drop down box. My honest thought is that the picture of a healthy marriage described their is impossible without the active life of Christ working in us. We often fail to live up to this even if we are in relationship with God, but it would be impossible to do so without that relationship. You ask if it will work if someone never returns to God. I am not God, but I am at a loss as to how it could work. Probably not your favorite answer, but I'd like you to trust me as a friend, and if I don't say what I really think, how can you trust me? Notice I'm not obligating our friendship based on whether you agree, but on honesty.
Well, I've darn near written enough to be its own post: )
Much love to ya girl!
"Butt, Butt"? What the heck?!
Here, let me tell you how it is, because I have all the answers (snort!).
I used to think something was wrong with my marriage because Todd didn't meet every single need I had. It took me a few years to figure out that he never can. Nor can I for him. Poet is right. That's God's place.
I'm not sure about that "unequally yoked" thing. But I would think it would be very difficult for a marriage to work when one is a believer and the other isn't. Especially when there are children involved. It's not just one parent's job to be an example. Every parent is called to be an example. And I do believe marriage is probably more sacred to someone who sees is as ordained by God. If God's not involved in it, what's the point?
Marriage is tough. After 13 years of it I think I'm finally figuring out that loving someone isn't just "feeling" something. Sometimes it is choosing to love them even when you don't feel it. But I think getting through those times and coming out on top is what makes a marriage great. And then you learn what true love is. When I say I love my husband, it has a whole new meaning than it did 13 years ago. It's not because I get butterflies when he kisses me, (though sometimes I still do!) it's because we have weathered life together. We've seen the ugly side of things and bonded in a way I never knew possible. Because he knows me...and he's still here.
Tonight Diane Sawyer did a piece on families. It was really, really sad. She said in four years more families will be step-families than not. That means more than half of our marriages are failing. There was a couple on there who had been having some difficulty. And they came to this "panel of experts" for help. They said up front for them to "tell them if it was time to throw in the towel". It was a second marriage for them both. See, they already saw that as an option. And I was really angry about that. They had children and were treating their marriage as if it were nothing more than a mistake they made one day.
The truth is, nobody knows what marriage is going to be like until you're in the middle of it. This is why it's good to trust this person with your life...to know in your heart of hearts (and then some) they will stick it out with you. And the choice is doubley hard for you, because it's not just you. It's Elijah, too.
Girl, I love you. You and your little famliy is in my prayers.
(I think the Poet here articulated everything beautifully. Isn't it great to have him blogging with us? ;-)
Forgive my poor grammer and spelling in that last little bit. I'm tired.
the hubby here. gotta speak a bit.
there is not a better woman oin the planet to be my wife than angela. but she has never, will not ever satisfy me completely. a man's heart is made to continually strive for what is next. a woman can do 10 things at once, but cannot see into the future like the man. that is why men live in the junior high school mentality for so long, because the future scares us so often. whether or not zach becomes a man and finds peace with God has nothing to do with you. lovingly said, you are an obstacle to his spiritual growth. in the quietness of zach's soul, he alone must decide about God. you must get outta the road and protect yourself and elijah's while God does what He will with zach. this is the only way for any woman to live even AFTER the man comes to grip with the creator. life is a continual process of the man realizing he is no good without God and the woman realizing that she must allow her man to get his ass whipped by God whenever the creator chooses. anything else is co-dependant and dangerous.
another thing - you are not to be the strong one in the relationship (even though over time it will look like that) if zach is not ready to be A (not the) support for you, then there is your answer. if he does not chase after you now, he never will.
meant to make you both better......
thanks, guys. don't get me wrong, though, zach is being an incredible father for elijah and partner towards me. any disagreements are over my shopping or him not helping enough - you know - the normal stuff. the son is cutting off my computer time - gotta run. see ya'll tomorrow
I didn't interpret from your post that your relationship with Zach is bitter and contentious, so no worries there. When you have time, I look forward to more of your thoughts.
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